Once a year Bristow escapes the drudgery and
goes on holiday. He usually drives off in his natty two seater sports
car, although in very recent years he has flown abroad. Of course the moment he leaves home the clouds burst, the roads are
blocked by overturned Chester-Perry vehicles and his holiday hotels burn
down, blow up or just subside gracefully into a heap of rubble.
His chosen resorts are the obscure British seaside
towns of Mudsea and Stoneybeach. Or their Spanish equivalents. He used
to go to smaller hotels such as the Hotel Westerberry, (source of gastronomic
ideas for Mr. Gordon Blue) but now favours
the upmarket hotel known, curiously, as Funboys
sur la Plage.
Bristow takes modest holidays. He makes
great play of going scuba diving, hang gliding and water skiing but
in fact what he does is to lie on the beach, mooch aimlessly round the
town and take interminable photographs of the sands, the gardens, the
flower clock and the sea walls. If he can find a captive audience then
he is very happy - but they will probably not be -
strip
5216
Strip 5216 was published in the Evening
Standard in August 1978
.He likes to look through the giant telescope in order to check that
Jones is in the office. He may bounce up and
down on the high diving board - to the awe and respect of the crowd
- to see if he can make out the top of the
C-P
building on the horizon. On one trip he enjoys a brief moment of
fame by winning the giant teddy bear in the bingo competition one night
to discover everyone pointing him out on the esplanade the next day.
Sometimes he will befriend an old sea salt and listen to his spellbinding
tales of storms, shipwreck and pirates until, inevitably "But to
my mind, me hearties, the most terrible of all was the
Great
Tea Trolley Disaster of ‘67".
The next worst thing about coming back is to find that your colleagues have piled up all the work in your in-tray that in theory they should have done on your behalf while you were away. Close to this is when several hundred people phone you at the same time, having been assured by your colleagues that you will be free. Still, once your colleagues go on holiday then you can do the same to them.
This is a listing of every holiday in the archives showing where
he went, how he got there and the high and low-lights of the trip.
Some holiday destinations feature unusually dangerous or cursed
places, often linked to infamous buying clerks of yore. These
will be detailed as they occur.
| 1964 |
|
| Destination: |
Probably Mudsea
but it is not specified. The firms
outing in the summer of 1962 goes to Mudsea
for the day. Hotel not specified. |
| Transport: |
Bristow’s trusty two seater
car. Travelling at night on the outbound journey to beat the traffic
fails when he gets lost and winds up outside the Chester-Perry
Building. Travelling home at night to beat the traffic fails when
the car breaks down and there is no-one around to provide a tow. |
| Highlights: |
Getting away from all
the paperwork and writing dozens of postcards instead. Meeting
Sampson who is tanning nicely
on the beach (“I’m down here on business”). Using the giant telescope
to check up on his colleagues. |
| Low spots: |
The mystery
tour is declined (it might be to Chester-Perry’s). The impact
of the final hotel bill instantly undoes the effect of two weeks
relaxation and exercise. |
| 1965 |
|
| Destination: |
Mudsea. Hotel
not specified |
| Transport: |
The two seater.
Abandoning the cunning plan to travel by night, Bristow is cut
up by Peterson of Public Relations,
stuck in traffic with a certain Rolls-Royce
behind him, and finally arrives so late that it is dark and only
by knocking down the “Mudsea welcomes careful drivers” sign that he knows he has
arrived. On the way home there is of course a tail wind to speed
the journey back to the Chester-Perry building. |
| Highlights: |
The man on the beach with two or three
of everything, including airbeds, frogman outfits and beachballs
turns out to be Charlie of Stores. Golf is improved when one can
imagine Fudge’s head on the ball. A fellow
guest is impressed by a well-judged stamp on an overfull suitcase
“Years of cramming wastepaper baskets”. |
| Low spots: |
The attempt to get away from it all fails
because all the sandcastles on the beach are in the shape of the
Chester-Perry building. The gay dog painting the town red and
hang the expense is taken aback at the cost of sending all the
postcards (to everyone in Chester-Perry’s) that proclaim thus. |
| 1966 |
|
| Destination: |
A free-spirited motoring holiday going
where the mood takes him |
| Transport: |
The two seater,
running sweetly for once (“Brrm Brrm”),
if the plethora of diversion, no entry and compulsory left turn
signs permit. |
| Highlights: |
Sending a postcard to Jones and Hewitt
who scorned the idea of a motoring holiday to say all is going
well (please excuse greasy oily fingermarks). |
| Low spots: |
The car breaks down after two hours and
in keeping with the original purpose of the Bristow strip, our
hero gets out and under. The Hotel Splendide,
with sneering doorman and heavy lorries thundering past all night,
does not live up its name. The truck that blocks the road for
miles pumping out thick black fumes belongs to a certain well-known
company. And whilst there could be anything round the next bend
as our motorist heads off into the blue, it turns out to be the
Chester-Perry Northern Branch. |
| 1967 |
|
| Destination: |
The Lesterbury
Lodge hotel, Mudsea (prop: Mrs. Budge). Demanding a room at the back
(to avoid the traffic noise at night) was unwise because the room
he gets is in full view of the lighthouse. |
| Transport: |
The two seater.
“Accidently” leaving just at the time everyone else is going to
work, Bristow is forced to drive past his fellow workers.
On the way home a traffic jam means that the holiday tan starts
to wear off |
| Highlights: |
The Mudsea
carnival |
| Low spots: |
The Mudsea
carnival, where the biggest float is a huge model of the Chester-Perry
building. |
| 1968 |
|
| Destination: |
The Westerberry
Hotel, Stoneybeach. Bristow goes with Dimkins. |
| Transport: |
Dimkins’
car |
| Highlights: |
Dimkins finds
a couple of girls to date |
| Low spots: |
The hotel is a duplicate of the Chester-Perry
building down to the visitors book that
resembles the late-late book. The girls they try to date ditch
them for some fishermen gigolos. Dimkins and Bristow each wish they had come on their own |
| 1969 |
|
| Destination: |
The Hotel Splendide,
Mudsea (not clear if this is the same Hotel Splendide where he stayed in 1966. |
| Transport: |
The two seater |
| Highlights: |
Sending an urgent message back to Jones
– via bottle tossed into the sea. Meeting an old tea lady who
runs Connies Pantry, sporting cutlery
bearing the C-P initials (purely by co-incidence). Enjoying the
peep show machines on the esplanade, including “What the cleaning
lady saw”, “Canteen capers” and “Typing temptress” |
| Low spots: |
The person enforcing fines on deckchair
hirers turns out to be traffic warden
262 on her holidays. The entire hotel staff
heaving a giant sigh of relief on the last day. |
| 1970-72 |
No holiday featured |
| 1973 |
|
| Destination: |
Westerberry
Hotel, Stoneybeach. Not clear why Bristow chooses to return (see
1968 but might something to do with the familiarity of a place
modelled on the layout of the Chester-Perry building |
| Transport: |
The two seater |
| Highlights: |
Following a very full programme of activities,
Bristow is soon recognised in the town, but mainly because he
is the man who wins the giant teddy bear at bingo. The old salt
by the sea walls spins his blood-curdling tales, mostly about
the Great Tea Trolley Disaster. |
| Low spots: |
Wishing to hit the high spots at 8:45pm
after a good dinner, Bristow is asked to keep quiet as everyone
in the hotel has gone to bed. The strange rasping noise as he
drives off on the last day turns out to be raspberries from the
massed ranks of the hotel staff. |
| 1974 |
|
| Destination: |
Funboys sur
la Plage, Stoneybeach.
For the first time Bristow goes to the establishment run by Sol
and Sonny, for reasons that are obscure. |
| Transport: |
The two seater |
| Highlights: |
After the mystery tour and the masked
ball, Bristow doesn’t know where he has been or who he has met.
By bouncing up and down on the highest diving board in the pool,
the Chester-Perry building may be discerned on the horizon. Determined
to leave no tip to the grasping page-boys, Bristow makes good
his escape on the last day with some handed knotted sheets and
an open window. |
| Low spots: |
“Sur la plage”
turns out to mean 500 yards away. The tourists snapping the old
sea salt on the wall are actually picturing a certain, “this holiday
has taken years off me”, buying clerk. |
| 1975 |
|
| Destination: |
Funboys sur
la Plage, Stoneybeach. |
| Transport: |
The two seater.
The journey down is marred when a Chester-Perry lorry gets in
front just in time for the 163 mile stretch of roadworks
and no overtaking. |
| Highlights: |
The girl in the orange bikini who keeps
winking and smiling. The old sea salt tells his tall tales, mainly
about invoicing procedures and covering letters. Sampson of Sales,
who has lost his licence, still makes his annual rendezvous with
Bristow in the Bucket and Spade pub, thanks to a handy pedalo.
The page boys hope for a tip this year (see 1974) but Bristow
appears to have lost the use of English. |
| Low spots: |
The bronzed, six foot, lifeguard who
the girl in the orange bikini is really eyeing. Bristow’s postcard
to the clerks left in the office tells of a mystery trip ruined
by collision with a C-P lorry, a pedalo incident with a C-P container ship and plane joyride
buzzed by Sir Reginald’s private jet. |
| 1976 |
|
| Destination: |
Funboys sur
la Plage, Stoneybeach. |
| Transport: |
|
| Disaster area |
“Last Day Leap” is the cliff-top point
where a buying clerk, hysterical at the thought of his holiday
ending… |
| Highlights: |
A boat trip round the cliffs reveals
the smugglers caves and tales of dark doings in defiance of the
revenue officers – all rather familiar to a C-P employee. The
tip-seeking page boys (see 1975) think they have all the exits
covered this year but omit to check the roof and the trapdoor
in Bristow’s top floor room. |
| Low spots: |
Bristow’s postcard to the clerks is disbelieved
when he tells of fighting off hundreds of girls in bikinis. The
giant telescope reveals a wonderful view of his
own hotel room, complete with maid holding up a dry cleaning
bill. |
| 1977 |
|
| Destination: |
Funboys sur
la Plage, Mudsea
(Funboys seems to have been relocated) |
| Transport: |
The two seater.
|
| Disaster area |
“Hanging Rock”, where four buying clerks
on a firm’s outing mysteriously vanished |
| Highlights: |
The tip-chasing page boys (see 1976)
crack the system by standing by the car that they saw Bristow
polishing on his last day; sadly for them, it was not his car. |
| Low spots: |
The room has a sea view; unfortunately
it is over that patch of sea where the fishing boats congregate
at 4:30 in the morning. |
| 1978 |
|
| Destination: |
Funboys sur
la Plage, Stoneybeach.
(Funboys is back in its rightful resort) |
| Transport: |
Probably the two seater
but it is not shown |
| Disaster area |
“Pressgang Alley” – where poor wretches
were dragged off the streets and into service little better than
slaves |
| Highlights: |
A visit to the gallant lads manning the
local lighthouse – “We’re in for a rough time captain – that little
bore from last year is heading this way again”. The tip-questing
page boys (see 1977) are diverted from confronting Bristow by
cries of “Fire” from the restaurant – purely a co-incidence that someone is studying ventriloquism. |
| Low spots: |
Insisting on a top floor room for privacy,
Bristow is dismayed to find he is adjacent to the high diving
board in the pool – cue “hi” from divers.
The fun fair boasts a ghost train – alas subject to extensive
delays (due to “high spirits”). |
| 1979 |
|
| Destination: |
Funboys sur
la Plage, Stoneybeach. |
| Transport: |
Probably the two seater
but it is not shown |
| Highlights: |
Bristow gets all his holiday snaps developed
while he is still there. And both he and the developer enjoy a
nice snooze while perusing them. |
| Low spots: |
The page boys attempt to remove the “Welcome”
mat before Bristow arrives at the hotel. The sight-seeing tour
is a bit of washout, thanks to the “Here we are – what shall we
do?” guide. Daredevil theatre act “Six-gun “
Temple gets a volunteer for his dangerous blindfold shooting
(or at least he gets someone who is enthusiastically volunteered
by everyone else in the audience). The police put on extra staff
for the day that holidaymakers at Funboy’s
receive their bills. |
| 1980 |
|
| Destination: |
Funboys sur
la Plage at Torremolinos,
thanks to Atkins’ suggestion. Bristow’s
first foreign holiday. |
| Transport: |
Aircraft. |
| Disaster area |
“El Loco Inglese”
– the bottomless well in the Moorish palace where, it is said,
a buying clerk, rather than return to his humdrum existence… |
| Low spots: |
Funboys cuisine
is typically Spanish, with such local specialities as “sausage
egg and chips San Sebastian” and “Toledo toad in the hole”. However
on the day that Bristow overdoes his sunbathing, everyone is prompted
to order boiled lobster. |
| 1981 |
No holiday featured |
| 1982 |
|
| Destination: |
Somewhere apparently abroad but on arrival
it seems to be Funboys in the UK |
| Transport: |
Cheapo Tours airline |
| Disaster area |
“Parkinson’s Plunge” – very deep water
where, it is said, a distraught buying clerk, rather than return
to work… |
| Highlights: |
Impressing the passport control officer
– “Are you really eighteenth in line for Chief Buyer?” |
| Low spots: |
Trying to smuggle in an extra bottle
of brandy and going to pieces in the nothing to declare section.
Subsequently having to hand out sticks of rock to fellow clerks
as a substitute. |
| 1983-84 |
No holiday featured |
| 1985 |
|
| Destination: |
Funboys sur
la Plage, possibly in France. Bristow
sports a beret and plays boules but
everything at the resort suggests England, such as the full cooked
breakfast, the Punch and Judy show and the disaster area (see
below) |
| Transport: |
Coach from East Winchley.
Bristow finds no trouble in getting plenty of space on a crowded
beach “oh no here comes that bore from the coach” |
| Disaster area |
“Lionel Brooks’ marshes” – named after
a celebrated smuggler who eventually came to a sticky end in the
quicksand. Lionel was, of course, a buying clerk by profession |
| Highlights: |
The amusement arcade features a crane/grab
machine where you try to pick up a wage packet. Bristow finds
boules comes easily “Years of hurling
stuff from my desk into the wastepaper basket” |
| Low spots: |
At the fancy dress party, every man (except
Bristow wearing Arab robes) is wearing a conventional black jacket/striped
trousers outfit “I’m an accountant” “I’m supposed to be a buying
clerk” etc. |
| 1986 |
No holiday featured, because a winter
holiday was taken instead |
| 1987 |
|
| Destination: |
Funboys sur
la Piste, in an unnamed Alpine winter
sports resort, probably in Switzerland (Bristow’s rest is interrupted
by the yodelling, the sleigh bells and, every hour, the damned
cuckoo clocks). |
| Transport: |
By air and coach. |
| Disaster area |
“Harrington’s Leap” – a crevasse into
which, it is said, that a buying clerk, rather than return to
his job… |
| Highlights: |
The man with the giant snowball manages
to upset, possibly literally, a crowd of downhill racers |
| Low spots: |
Sustaining a drink-related injury based
on a stein with a lid and a trapped nose. Being stuck in a cable
car for two hours and having to play charades. |
| 1988-1990 |
No holiday featured |
| 1991 |
|
| Destination: |
“Sea View” hotel operated by Funboys
at their newest resort, Winklebeach |
| Transport: |
In what seems to be a new two seater
(horizontal grille where the original was vertical, white rather
than black) |
| Highlights: |
Unhappy with the sea-themed food ("Smugglers
sausage", "Castaway cod” ) at the café, Bristow opts
for “landlubbers luncheon meat”. The
old sea salt with the wooden leg is keen to come to the dance
at the hotel, provided there are no knotholes in the floor. It
seems unlikely that Bristow can, however much he adjusts the fine
tuning on the giant telescope, actually pick out Sir Reginald
sunning himself on his yacht off Mauritius. |
| Low spots: |
On arrival the “You are here, the oil
slick is here” sign does not gladden the heart. On departure the
tourist office suggest a pleasant drive involving the local gas
works, breakers yard and “follow your nose till you come to the
fish canning factory” |
| 1992-94 |
No holiday featured |
| 1995-97 |
Strips not available |
| 1998 |
|
| Destination: |
Somewhere in the English seaside. The
home of nephew Bertie and his mother (not clear if sister or sister-in-law),
and the place where the youthful Bristow spent some time. |
| Transport: |
Not specified |
| Highlights: |
Persuading young Bertie
to keep his mouth shut about what the family call “Uncle Bristow”;
this task made easier as it takes place on the cliff walk. |
| Low spots: |
After a stay in a place where the only
sounds are a lonely seagull and the muffled church bell, Bristow
pines for the noise of the city. |
| 1999-2001 |
No holiday featured |
| 2002 |
|
| Destination: |
Stoneybeach
but not the place of yore (see below) |
| Transport: |
Aircraft, not clear if an international
flight |
| Highlights: |
Claiming it is his first time in Stoneybeach
and needs to get his bearings, Bristow goes on the mystery tour.
The giant telescope is put to good use, spotting Jones in the
Chester-Perry building as he rifles through Bristow’s desk and
holds up an order for assistance. |
| Low spots: |
A companion holiday maker turns out to
be a buying clerk who pines for his airconditioned
office and cup of tea on the desk. Bristow writes in his diary
on the last day of the “staff, fearful he will depart with leaving
a tip, gathering stealthily outside his room and whispering”. |
| 2003-04 |
No holiday featured, but in 2004 he might
have attended a brain surgeons convention by mistake (according
to strip 1404 in 2006) |
| 2005 |
|
| Destination: |
“Everglades” - A secret anti-terrorist
school organised by Funboys |
| Transport: |
Not specified |
| Highlights: |
Coming back a harder man able to get
through a whole morning on just one cup of tea and a biscuit |
| Low spots: |
Having to sign the official secrets act
before being given breakfast |
| 2006 |
|
| Destination: |
Stoneybeach |
| Transport: |
Not specified |
| Highlights: |
Jones keeps phoning in with urgent queries
from suppliers but the man who is (apparently) bungee jumping,
hang gliding or abseiling down the lighthouse as he takes the
calls is too busy to help. |
| Low spots: |
The kids bouncy
castle is placed so that a stream of little faces are constantly
looking in his bedroom window. Wishing for some nice conversation
over dinner, Bristow finds all of his fellow guests yacking
away on their mobiles. What with the terrorist alert at the beauty
contest, bomb scare at the Punch & Judy and a police raid
at the flower show, Stoneybeach is
a little less peaceful than once it was. |
| 2007 |
Not featured |
| 2008 |
|
| Destination: |
Prospectus-on-sea, a resort packed with
headhunters (according to the only person who knows about
it, the postboy), but internet research
shows the place consists of sleazy cafes and nightclubs. |
| Transport: |
Not specified |
| Highlights: |
Writing something in the visitors’ book
sufficiently strong that the book is promptly ditched in the wastepaper
basket |
| Low spots: |
Sitting for a fortnight in a deckchair,
quietly raging. |
| 2009 |
|
| Destination: |
The Rosebud hotel, run by Funboys
at Stoneybeach. The town is now twinned
with Guantanamo Bay, and apparently a training ground for terrorists
where the floral clock ticks ominously away |
| Transport: |
Not specified |
| Highlights: |
After swapping yarns with the old sea
salts, the smugglers and buccaneers are seriously considering
giving it all up to become buying clerks |
| Low spots: |
There used to be a sea but it seems to
have gone. The most exciting thing in town is wondering when the
oil slick will dissipate. |
